I'm starting this section of my blog with yet another thing that gets me ratty. Pritt stick. Fuckin' roles around everywhere. I've never used it without losing the lid at one point. To rectify this i would like the manufacturers of pritt-stick to do two things:

1. Make the outer casing square or triangular, so that it doesnt role around everywhere.
2. Stop being pricks.

I pay enough for this shit form of glue and all it does is piss me off. This poem i created a while ago sums up the average experience with pritt-stick.

Grile.

Where the fuck is the pritt stick,
Now I can never stick it,

It must have rolled away young child,
Its stickin abilitys are relatively mild,
PVA is the way forward young child
The man smiled.

Oh wait, I’ve found the pritt stick,
It was underneath the desk,
But where the fuck is the lid,
The gluey head is a dusty mess!

AW FOR FUCK SAKE,
THERES HARDLY ANY GLUE LEFT,
THE PLASTIC IS PRETRUDING, SCRAPING MY PAPER,
A FATE,
WORSE,
THAN DEATH.

Don't know why its called Grile...

As christmas approaches i feel the necessity to eat loads, like a gluttonous panther with the munchies. I'm taking advantage of wafer thin ham. Yes, it is pretty shit, but its still relatively expensive, and a rare commodity at uni so therefore i lap it up with a bit of bread and mayo etc.

This year, because im a stingey prick and my brother is quite good at cooking, we are cooking christmas dinner for the family as my mums present. This Allows my mum to get merry on a few glasses of wines without getting stressy and aggressive with aunt Bessie and her blasted yorkshire puddings!

I recently bought Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name as part of a scheme to make sure a shitty x factor song wouldn't get christmas number 1 again. I would love Killing In The Name to come on after the queens speech! It would be like like showing 2 girls one cup straight after a christening.

I may aswell mention that Ipswich are tearing up the championship and have gone 10 games unbeaten. 20th in the league now...get in! Play-offs 'ere we come! For years football has shat on me, but in a way i like being shat on, not in a 2 girls 1 cup way, but in a, 'yeh but atleast i aint a fuckin glory hunting dickhead that don't even know' way. I think to appreciate good football, you need to be deprived of it. You need to first appreciate shit football, the younger you start, the more you will buzz off a tiny amount of skill or standard one-two and therefore gain more enjoyment out of the game as a whole. Having said this, i find watching non-league footie quite painful sometimes because i genuinely feel i could do better if i wern't a lazy, unfit bastard. I get to the odd braintree game and don't mind have a quick watch of random sunday league teams if I'm passing by but avid fans of non-league tend to be a different breed of fan. Generally a bit inbred or retarded in some way and appreciate every moment of the shit football they watch. This, i find quite frightening. Imagine if they did go to Old Trafford or The Emirates... They'd probably get a stonking erection, likely to pop after 40 seconds of play, or after a correctly taken throw-in.

On the theme of erections, whilst criticising what would make X-Factor better, Myself and McLean decided that it would be utterly hilarious if Simon Cowell ran onto the stage - naked, with an erection - and proceeded in beating Leonna Lewis with a pork chop, and whilst running he was shitting himself, flinging poo in all manner of directions. Just imagine. Imagine the pure anger on his face. He's fucking angry... no one knows why?...and this is how he shows it. What is the significance of the erection? He's really angry yet he has an erection? He's shitting himself. That's well funny. I hope it happens. We can only hope.

Fankoo for reading. x

Hello again avid readers. This post on my blog is going to start with a quick moan about the sweets known as 'Love Hearts'. When i eat 'Love Hearts' i tend to have a whale of a time, not only do they taste like love, they have soppy love messages on them which make them that extra bit exciting as you never know what is going to be written on the next one you munch on. So imagine my horror when i prized a love heart out of the packet and it had 'Granny P' embossed on it. Now i dont know about you, but i think putting the name of someones (dead?) Granny on a sweet is weird and whilst eating the sweet, i did not taste the fizzy, sugary sweetness... i tasted granny skin... like leather soaked in tea. Maybe companies think nans are a good selling point. Shreddies decided that it would be a good idea to have fetid old woman to knit their cereal. Again, i dont know about you but i do not want to hold the connotation between old, senile people that shit themselves with such a tasty whole wheat cereal.

Lately I've eaten a lot. Just yesterday i went for free chinese at 'Mint Casino'. The buffet starts at midnight and i guess they think you'll spend more time and money there if youve eaten succulent chinese delicacies...but bollocks to that; i'm not lining the pockets of scabby casino owners.... instead I line my stomach with greasy food stuffs. It was quite funny that the frumpy chinese 'Manager' was parrolling the area we were sitting at. She knew our ploy, and told us to wait at the end of the queue after the regulars. She then stood behind the end serving tray when it was our turn to recieve free food. After recieving decent portions of rice, noodle, sushi and spring roll i then shuffled to the last stop on this magical (free) journey. It was pork. I thought to myself 'Awh i fuckin well want that!'. The bitch didn't offer me any. I lifted my plate, indicating i wanted some. She then scooped the tiniest morsel of pork, with a drop of sauce and plopped it onto my plate. I looked at her in a 'what the fuck is that for an amount of meat?' way, and she then said 'thats enough, see if you like'. What? Its definitely not enough and i tend to 'see if i like' something via eating lots of it. still, it was all pretty god damn tasty and we all left the casino with th satisfaction that we had not paid any money, although i was somehow still hungry so had some cornflakes as a night cap.

At the weekend i was back home in Braintree. I saw my friends which was great and then saw loads of people that i had forgotten about. Spoons and Barracudas are like looking through old class photographs from primary school but unlike photographs, you can smell the people.

Tonight i went to Ikea with Alex. I ended up buying what i believe to be a dishwasher cover. Its a big sheet of stainless steel wrapped around mdf. I bought it because it was £7.50 in the 'bargain corner' of the store and i am planning to spray paint a stencil onto it. I feel like a bit of a dick for wasting money, but then again Alex bought scented candles.
We then went to Maxim Casino. I didn't bet because i'm not a mug. (although i did put a £1 on a 7 fold at Coral earlier). Alex left with the same amount of money as what he came there with, which is actually a decent achievement. I guessed two numbers correctly in a row at the roulette table which freaked myself and everyone out.

Im going to drink lots of coffee now because i have some milk. Might watch Rat Race too. Have only ever seen it once. laughed at it.






hesp.

'Cubehead Drills Wall'

A photograph i took on my mobile phone.




fushtal.

Yesterday i went to see Fightstar...I'm not the biggest Fightstar fan but occasionally delve into their music. I'd say a good analogy of where i stand with Fightstar is much like a cat that does a shit in the corner of your room; the cat knows what he is doing is wrong and is going to annoy people within his vicinity, yet he cant help it, he feels the urge and once he has done it he is relieved, but left feeling slightly guilty. Anyhoo... it was quite a good gig and i thoroughly enjoyed throwing my body around as if i was a bowling ball, knocking down scrawny, greasy haired pins. The bars were for some reason never busy, so Mclean and I indulged in a few yeasty beverages; 2 of which Mclean completely spilt - one straight onto his own groin and the other straight to the floor (somehow hitting it out of his own hand). Fuckin stupid. He was annoyed. I laughed and then got annoyed just imagining how annoying that must have been).

Got pretty ratty on the way home due to the train taking about 47687t56q384 Bremnars to get home. Once home i indulged myself via a pack of sliced roast chicken breast I had bought earlier in the day and had forgot to put in the fridge, therefore had to eat loads of it before it went putrid and shitty.

Bed.

The next morning i went to the toilet to rid myself of ordure, only to find that chocolate cake had been smeared onto the toilet seat and walls. It looked remarkably like poo but the smell was undeniably cakey. I was genuinely really annoyed as it was early morning and i just wanted to drop the kids off at the pool, yet the toilet seat was covered with imitation defecation. Later on at Uni i thought back to the childish scenario of smearing fake poo and found the whole incident hilarious!

Once again, thank you for reading this balsamic sack of piss...although i believe the accepted vernacular for these things are 'Blogs'.

Rudely awakened by the fire alarm at about 5am. (lame). Forgot to put shoes on and the floor was cold and stabby (lamer than your mates uncle who is an Elvis impersonator)

In the afternoon I went to take photos, but was pretty unsuccessful. On my way back i went into a charity shop and found a little book about the works of Salvador Dali, i thought to myself, at £1.75 i gotta get a piece of that. Having waited in a dordling queue of decrepit pensioners i was then told that the minimum spend on debit card was £4. FUCK SAKE BRITISH HEART FOUNDATION. I therefore trekked 546 miles to the nearest cashpoint, withdrew some money and then trekked back again (ALFing* the whole way). I purchased the book and went on my way back home. It is hideously uncomforting, that when strolling through Southampton, you realise Braintree is not an anomoly... there are masses of disgusting, inbred, obese, glutonous, grimey people here too. I (maybe naively) thought that muffin tops and gunts would not be as prolific down here but it seems that the sea monsters must have been copulating with the people of this coast, breeding a multitude of mutant people, each with their own bizzarre look and quite often, smell.

Later in the evening i went to the library to print some stuff and get a book out. On my way back i popped into a grotty pub to quickly have a look at the football they had on.... i then felt slightly intimidated and bought a pint. There was a very drunk man who looked similar to Chris Moyles who slurred out the crappest ramblings to me, but seemed alright. I think he had been made redundant today from what he was saying and he was supposed to meet his dad but he didnt turn up. The best thing he said to me, (after i had asked him where he was from) was "The same place as you." I replied "Ah really? you from Essex?" to which he replied " No, my mums tummy" (with a stupid smirk whilst rubbing his stomach).

There was another bloke in th pub who seemed very strange. He was fairly old, wore a bright red sweater, a rucksack, and would constantly wink and smile. It must have been a twitch or something but he did genuinely seem happy and he was rather amusing to watch. I left the pub and went home. Ate soup.

*ALF - Annoyed Lips Face

thanks readers x

night out

Today i woke up a bit cruddy as i went oot aboot toon with McLean... check his blog.

This was my night out:

Drinks.

1. Numerous amaretto and cokes at flat
2. 1 Sailor Jerry and Coke at Mono
3. 4 Sailor Jerry and cokes at Orange Rooms
4. 1 Bacardi lime and soda at Orange Rooms
5. 1 shot of mel gibsons tooth decay at Orange Rooms
   
6. 1 double vodka and lemonade at Seymours
   
7. 1 double vodka and coke at Seymours
8. 1 shot of acidic blackurrent crap.

Food.

1. Meatball Marinara Subway.

Stupidities.

1. Poked / jabbed fat girl in the butt for a quid, whilst McLean filmed.
2. Filmed McLean do ridiculous wriggling.
3. Gave my sock in and won!!!
   

I have wednesdays off so i shwempt around like an absolute buttock, not doing much and constantly being surprised at how quickly time had passed. Realised about an hour after getting up that i won 4 VIP tickets to see Plastician (dubstep artist) at Orange due to handing my sock into the anouncer quickest. So hopefully that'll be a tolerable event when im drunk... having said that he has one song called 'Japan' that i quite like and a fucking hilarious song featuring 'Skepta' called 'Intensive Snare'. "Are you stupid in the face?" and "Im a bad man, you're a penis, your whole crew smell like faeces" are just two beautiful insights into such lyrical genius commonly found in the grime / dubstep genre.

I went to Asda with Alex in the evening and I was annoyed at the complete lack of stir fry and the audaciously outrageous prices of meat and cheese. Then i got ratty because i forgot to buy salt. There are 10 people living in our flat yet we dont have any salt - not a pinch. LOLZ.

Looking forward to eating bacon tomorrow though.

Good night readers xxxx