Dinner.

Roast Dinner - So good that it tells you what to do.

Dedicated to Lenny Henry (if he was poor)

Pessimistic Lenny,
Only had one penny,
Never had much to do,
But then less fortunate others,
With less capital and more brothers,
Think Lenny's penny's a silver spoon.

A quote for if i was a renowned comedian.

Good comedy is like a good massage. Not only in the sense that it is able to ease the soul but in the way that it manipulates to the point of extacy.

Idea for a film

A ball boy at Wimbledon stuns the crowd with a strong backhand smash against Roger Federa. Raphael Nadal, a bystander to the event and Federa's arch nemesis, see's the great feat and pursues the ball boy, in hope of turning the ball boy to the terracotta/orange side (clay court). It is up to Federa to 'ace' his way to the ball boy in the upcoming 'French Toast Open' (sponsored by Ferrero Rocher) in hope that he draws the ball boy in an early round, before it's too late...before clay court is the only side - and everyone knows there has to be two sides to a story...and three sides if it's a shape.

Expect Drama, Passion, Line Calls, Laughter, Contentious Line Calls, and a game that goes to deuce, and then advantage and then back to deuce, and then advantaging to the other player and then deuce again and then the other player finally wins the game and thinks "why didn't i do that in the first place? Stupid me! I'll remember to win more simply in the future. Once again, i'm really baffled by that. Ah well."

Our House, in the middle of our fetid street...

We now have a house. I say house, it would be better classified as an asylum for mice, dampness, and a selection of rare moulds (hitherto, have been discovered in the british isles). Just 45 minutes before i wrote this blog i recieved a text meassage from my housemate Greg, which read as follows:

'There's moss growing in my bedroom!'

....he later proceeded to text me telling me how gifted i was at water polo and how he admired me, and how he loves my dress sense and wishes he could be like me and i was like:

'dont worry greg you have plenty to live for, one day, you may be like me...but you just hang in there yeh...you little trooper you.?'

Anyway, after that discussion that happened earlier i thought it would be good to write a blog about our house and thus i am typing away, using my beautiful and dainty fingers.

We should be getting a plummer in on monday so we can finally have hot water. (he's going to bring some in a thermos flask). But yeh, that will be good, and hopefully we could hire a basking shark to breathe heavily in our house and filter the dampness out of the air. If that doesn't work I'm sure a Polish guy will do the same job for half the price. I assume they are also filter feeders and live off plankton?
The house came with a pack of unused Vacuum Pack bags which i used yesterday to store some bed sheets. I am now trying to decide on a ridiculous item to vaccum pack. My own hair? A sparrow? A balloon? Sand? Weng? (what the hell is Weng?).
But it seems the dampness is not only causing a rapid growth in moss and mould and other things beginning with 'M' but also it is warping our Moors... *Doors. Our doors don't want to close now. The wood grain is expaning at such rapid a rate that I fear i will become engolfed in cheap, unvarnished pine within the next 48 hours. Even the soil in my plant pot is harbouring a fuzzy blue mould, and im pretty sure the spores are settling on my body when im asleep and giving me moles. I have about 3 new moles on my body that i wasn't aware of, its either the mould spores or exposure to gamma rays, probably more likely to be the latter since i recently grew a shin on my sternum. I named it 'Alicia Benedril Silverstone'.

We had mice but they seemed to have fucked off now. I named them all 'Alicia Benedril Silverstone'. This blog makes our house sound like an absolute shit hole of a squat. It's not. It got refurbished over the summer and looks fairly nice. The house seems to be subsiding a bit, but that just adds character and our garden is good coz we can burn shit in it.

played football yesterday. enjoyed it.

xxxxxxx

Figure 1

Figure 2

A Fundemental Choice

Bourbons and Custard Creams. This classic pair of biscuits are acutely English and the choice is more than a choice of biscuit; its a series of delicate choices that define who you are. I'll begin this blog entry with the the question, do you prefer boubons or custard creams? Your answer is likely to be an instant one, in which you polarise the two types of biscuit into a strong sense of like and a strong sense of 'awh man, im not really enjoying this biscuit so much.' Traditionally it seems that the bourbon and custard cream go hand in hand.... but why? Although fundementally they are biscuits which sandwich a sweet fondant filling, i believe they are nothing alike.

The bourbon doesn't taste like chocolate as you might first expect, and neither does the custard cream taste like custard. The general consensus, it seems, is that the custard cream is more popular. I personally prefer the custard cream, and so it seems Tesco does too. Figure 1 depicts a packet of Tescos Custard Cream biscuits and Bourbon Cream biscuits. The Custard cream pack weighs a respectable 400 grams, whereas the pack of Bourbons weighs just 200 grams. Prejudice against the Bourbon?.... or just good research? In this absolute 'Politically Correct' nanny state, it wouldnt' suprise me if Tesco are ordered to make both packets of biccies the same weight, as it may be deemed that the bourbons are recieving an unfair representation as an ethnic minority in the kingdom of biscuits. In the majority of biscuit tins you will most notably see the two biscuits sitting side by side, but Tesco understands that the ratio of Custard Creams to Bourbons is an important aspect and expect that the custard cream is twice as popular as the Bourbon. Why is it deemed more popular? If you observe figure 2 you will see that the custard creams design is far more intricate than the bourbons. This could be a key reason for it success. Another point which I believe to be worthy of note is the fact that bourbons jus dont taste much like chocolate. They probably aren't supposed to tase particularly chocolatey, but you still expect a creamy chocolatey delight, yet you are left dissapointed, and pondering a slightly dungy taste.

The best thing about the bourbon and custard cream is the fact the quality never differs. Think about it... have you ever had an exceedingly good or bad bourbon or custard cream? Although both biscuits make good tea dippy, i believe that the custard cream has the edge over the bourbon when it comes to dipping. According to Prof. Conor McGuiness of Sothampton Solent University, the buttery vanilla fondant melts when dipped in the tea, and this, he believes, is why the custard cream is a classic dippy biscuit. "I like to let the biscuit rest on my tongue and let it melt to really get the taste"
How you eat a custard cream or bourbon differs from person to person, but i have noted a few key idiosyncrasies that are classic among bourbon and custard cream eaters alike:

• You will attempt too open the biscuit in half without damaging the biscuit or fondant filling in any way. (this tends to happen when you are becoming bored of the biscuit)

• You will bite the corners off the biscuit, creating a relatively flush edge of biscuit and fondant, as aposed to having biscuit overhang.

• You will search feverishly for unbroken ones... a broken bourbon or a crumbly custard cream just 'takes the biscuit'. haaaaaaar!

So it seems that these two most humble of biscuits have some talking points, but for whatever reason, they are true classics... biscuits which i grew up eating and still eat now. Take that Jammie Dodgers and BN's!...wankers.

Thanks for reading.






bishquit.