Monday 19 December 2011

Jesus Christ!

It's christmas time. Christmas time is different to real time. Real time implies a reality whereas Christmas time is the opposite, based upon the birth of God's little whipper-snapper. It's a celebration of the warping of time. Warped in the sense that we measure our calendar from the birth of jesus and therefore we are constantly celebrating christmas whether we like it or not. Isn't it bizarre how we began measuring time from the birth of someone? I'd love it if i was jesus and someone asked me what the date was, i'd be like: 'I was born 25th December 20 years ago so work it out you mortal scum...oh yeh, and love thy fucking neighbour would ya?'.

I'd much rather the calendar start with the creation of earth rather than a baby. So it's the year 4,540,000,000...ish. Christmas time is also warped by the fact that Christmas goes on for fucking ever. They must have measured Christmas from when Jesus first started crowning, and since he was known for his thorny crown i reckon Mary must have been in labour longer than Tony Blair. But what better way to celebrate the birth of God's son than advertise piles of shit that i don't want or need? There's a constant plethora of perfume adverts at the moment - each as wanky as the other. Dog Shit - By Calvin Klein, Windy-pops - By Jean-Paul-Gaultier, Complete and Utter Rancid Gooch - By Gucci. It makes me want to go back in time and kill baby jesus... that King Herod was onto something there... Maybe i was King Herod in a previous life? Well God, if you have another spawn of your seed on this earth, im going to make sure my next incarnation checks amongst the reeds. I spose it was those three kings fault for all this obsession with pointless presents. Here's my idea of how their presents went down:

Three Kings: "Awww look at that beautiful little fragile newly born baby! 'Ere you go, we got together and bought you some Frankincense, Gold and Myrrh, good aint it!?"

Mary: " That's lovely.... we could really do with feeding Jesus though, we have no food and he is weak... im also really scared that he will get an infection as we are in a dirty stable and the hay we are using as bedding is covered in horse shit"

Three Kings: "What you trying to say like?! That you are not interested in material items and only in necessities?"

Mary: "Well yeh, those are the Christian values i follow"

Three Kings: "Whats that mean? What does Christian mean?"

Mary: "Well it hasn't been invented yet but yeh, this whole Christian thing is going to be fucking huge!...and oh yeh, the date is no longer December 25th 4,540,000,000...ish but December 25th 0."

Three Kings: "Well this all sounds mental!? I'll tell you what, we won't bother with actually believing this Christianity thing you just made up but we will continue to celebrate it as a tradition where we give useless random bollocks to each other... things like socks, tie racks and a multitude of things from gadget shops and Hawkins Bazaar".

There are two more ways in which Christams warps time, and they go hand in hand. Boredom and Drinking. Sometimes in the Christmas holiday i genuinely feel like I am a character created by a twisted and balding teenage sci-fi nerd. The plot of his sci-fi novel revolves around a character trapped in a vortex of time which can only be battled by heinous quantities of beer and spirits accompanied by handfuls of mini-cheddars and other cheese orientated savories. It's a character that you would think is fun to be, apart from the bloke that invented the character decides that the character suffers from heartburn and weird poos.

Merry Xmas to the small number of people who read this, and to the large number of people who haven't read this but could also potentially offend.

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