Monday, 8 February 2010
Friday, 1 January 2010
It's 2010. Now i've entered a new decade i feel that i should do a little bit more with my rancid mollusc of a life. I want to move up through the ranks of the mollusc world from a poorly maintained Winkle to a well rounded Scallop. Things i want to do in 2010:
Now then. I love food. But what i've come to terms with is the fact i don't really like scotch eggs. I always think i do. I like pork, and i like egg, and i like breadcrumbs, but when brought together it makes me unhappy. Also, i like skittles, but eventually they become well shit. I've found that after about 50 of the fuckers my throat hurts and my tongue feels like i've been licking Ray Mears dried out elbow for a few days.
I started getting world cup fever as soon as it turned 2010. World cup years are always good. Everyone shits themselves with excitement and shit themselves with patriotism and shits themselves with pessimism and optimism, in which case the poo leaves and enters the anus at a rate dependant on how quickly you switch from pessimism and optimism. But firstly, before the world cup, we get treated to The African Cup Of Nations. Actually, its less of a treat and more of an endurance. Watching it is like watching a whole team of Fabian Bhartez, throwing their shoes at the ball and constantly ignoring the offside rule.
Watched Avatar the other day, which is like a totally unrealistic version of the smurfs. It was good but went on so long that i got scurvy in my shin. happy new year people.
- Make and write short films.
- Create a short animation (dat shit is gonna be tough)
- Make a time lapse video.
- Read books.
- Create HDR photographs.
Now then. I love food. But what i've come to terms with is the fact i don't really like scotch eggs. I always think i do. I like pork, and i like egg, and i like breadcrumbs, but when brought together it makes me unhappy. Also, i like skittles, but eventually they become well shit. I've found that after about 50 of the fuckers my throat hurts and my tongue feels like i've been licking Ray Mears dried out elbow for a few days.
I started getting world cup fever as soon as it turned 2010. World cup years are always good. Everyone shits themselves with excitement and shit themselves with patriotism and shits themselves with pessimism and optimism, in which case the poo leaves and enters the anus at a rate dependant on how quickly you switch from pessimism and optimism. But firstly, before the world cup, we get treated to The African Cup Of Nations. Actually, its less of a treat and more of an endurance. Watching it is like watching a whole team of Fabian Bhartez, throwing their shoes at the ball and constantly ignoring the offside rule.
Watched Avatar the other day, which is like a totally unrealistic version of the smurfs. It was good but went on so long that i got scurvy in my shin. happy new year people.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
I'm starting this section of my blog with yet another thing that gets me ratty. Pritt stick. Fuckin' roles around everywhere. I've never used it without losing the lid at one point. To rectify this i would like the manufacturers of pritt-stick to do two things:
Grile.
Where the fuck is the pritt stick,
Now I can never stick it,
It must have rolled away young child,
Its stickin abilitys are relatively mild,
PVA is the way forward young child
The man smiled.
Oh wait, I’ve found the pritt stick,
It was underneath the desk,
But where the fuck is the lid,
The gluey head is a dusty mess!
AW FOR FUCK SAKE,
THERES HARDLY ANY GLUE LEFT,
THE PLASTIC IS PRETRUDING, SCRAPING MY PAPER,
A FATE,
WORSE,
THAN DEATH.
Don't know why its called Grile...
As christmas approaches i feel the necessity to eat loads, like a gluttonous panther with the munchies. I'm taking advantage of wafer thin ham. Yes, it is pretty shit, but its still relatively expensive, and a rare commodity at uni so therefore i lap it up with a bit of bread and mayo etc.
This year, because im a stingey prick and my brother is quite good at cooking, we are cooking christmas dinner for the family as my mums present. This Allows my mum to get merry on a few glasses of wines without getting stressy and aggressive with aunt Bessie and her blasted yorkshire puddings!
I recently bought Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name as part of a scheme to make sure a shitty x factor song wouldn't get christmas number 1 again. I would love Killing In The Name to come on after the queens speech! It would be like like showing 2 girls one cup straight after a christening.
I may aswell mention that Ipswich are tearing up the championship and have gone 10 games unbeaten. 20th in the league now...get in! Play-offs 'ere we come! For years football has shat on me, but in a way i like being shat on, not in a 2 girls 1 cup way, but in a, 'yeh but atleast i aint a fuckin glory hunting dickhead that don't even know' way. I think to appreciate good football, you need to be deprived of it. You need to first appreciate shit football, the younger you start, the more you will buzz off a tiny amount of skill or standard one-two and therefore gain more enjoyment out of the game as a whole. Having said this, i find watching non-league footie quite painful sometimes because i genuinely feel i could do better if i wern't a lazy, unfit bastard. I get to the odd braintree game and don't mind have a quick watch of random sunday league teams if I'm passing by but avid fans of non-league tend to be a different breed of fan. Generally a bit inbred or retarded in some way and appreciate every moment of the shit football they watch. This, i find quite frightening. Imagine if they did go to Old Trafford or The Emirates... They'd probably get a stonking erection, likely to pop after 40 seconds of play, or after a correctly taken throw-in.
On the theme of erections, whilst criticising what would make X-Factor better, Myself and McLean decided that it would be utterly hilarious if Simon Cowell ran onto the stage - naked, with an erection - and proceeded in beating Leonna Lewis with a pork chop, and whilst running he was shitting himself, flinging poo in all manner of directions. Just imagine. Imagine the pure anger on his face. He's fucking angry... no one knows why?...and this is how he shows it. What is the significance of the erection? He's really angry yet he has an erection? He's shitting himself. That's well funny. I hope it happens. We can only hope.
Fankoo for reading. x
- Make the outer casing square or triangular, so that it doesnt role around everywhere.
- Stop being pricks.
Grile.
Where the fuck is the pritt stick,
Now I can never stick it,
It must have rolled away young child,
Its stickin abilitys are relatively mild,
PVA is the way forward young child
The man smiled.
Oh wait, I’ve found the pritt stick,
It was underneath the desk,
But where the fuck is the lid,
The gluey head is a dusty mess!
AW FOR FUCK SAKE,
THERES HARDLY ANY GLUE LEFT,
THE PLASTIC IS PRETRUDING, SCRAPING MY PAPER,
A FATE,
WORSE,
THAN DEATH.
Don't know why its called Grile...
As christmas approaches i feel the necessity to eat loads, like a gluttonous panther with the munchies. I'm taking advantage of wafer thin ham. Yes, it is pretty shit, but its still relatively expensive, and a rare commodity at uni so therefore i lap it up with a bit of bread and mayo etc.
This year, because im a stingey prick and my brother is quite good at cooking, we are cooking christmas dinner for the family as my mums present. This Allows my mum to get merry on a few glasses of wines without getting stressy and aggressive with aunt Bessie and her blasted yorkshire puddings!
I recently bought Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name as part of a scheme to make sure a shitty x factor song wouldn't get christmas number 1 again. I would love Killing In The Name to come on after the queens speech! It would be like like showing 2 girls one cup straight after a christening.
I may aswell mention that Ipswich are tearing up the championship and have gone 10 games unbeaten. 20th in the league now...get in! Play-offs 'ere we come! For years football has shat on me, but in a way i like being shat on, not in a 2 girls 1 cup way, but in a, 'yeh but atleast i aint a fuckin glory hunting dickhead that don't even know' way. I think to appreciate good football, you need to be deprived of it. You need to first appreciate shit football, the younger you start, the more you will buzz off a tiny amount of skill or standard one-two and therefore gain more enjoyment out of the game as a whole. Having said this, i find watching non-league footie quite painful sometimes because i genuinely feel i could do better if i wern't a lazy, unfit bastard. I get to the odd braintree game and don't mind have a quick watch of random sunday league teams if I'm passing by but avid fans of non-league tend to be a different breed of fan. Generally a bit inbred or retarded in some way and appreciate every moment of the shit football they watch. This, i find quite frightening. Imagine if they did go to Old Trafford or The Emirates... They'd probably get a stonking erection, likely to pop after 40 seconds of play, or after a correctly taken throw-in.
On the theme of erections, whilst criticising what would make X-Factor better, Myself and McLean decided that it would be utterly hilarious if Simon Cowell ran onto the stage - naked, with an erection - and proceeded in beating Leonna Lewis with a pork chop, and whilst running he was shitting himself, flinging poo in all manner of directions. Just imagine. Imagine the pure anger on his face. He's fucking angry... no one knows why?...and this is how he shows it. What is the significance of the erection? He's really angry yet he has an erection? He's shitting himself. That's well funny. I hope it happens. We can only hope.
Fankoo for reading. x
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Monday, 16 November 2009
Hello again avid readers. This post on my blog is going to start with a quick moan about the sweets known as 'Love Hearts'. When i eat 'Love Hearts' i tend to have a whale of a time, not only do they taste like love, they have soppy love messages on them which make them that extra bit exciting as you never know what is going to be written on the next one you munch on. So imagine my horror when i prized a love heart out of the packet and it had 'Granny P' embossed on it. Now i dont know about you, but i think putting the name of someones (dead?) Granny on a sweet is weird and whilst eating the sweet, i did not taste the fizzy, sugary sweetness... i tasted granny skin... like leather soaked in tea. Maybe companies think nans are a good selling point. Shreddies decided that it would be a good idea to have fetid old woman to knit their cereal. Again, i dont know about you but i do not want to hold the connotation between old, senile people that shit themselves with such a tasty whole wheat cereal.
Lately I've eaten a lot. Just yesterday i went for free chinese at 'Mint Casino'. The buffet starts at midnight and i guess they think you'll spend more time and money there if youve eaten succulent chinese delicacies...but bollocks to that; i'm not lining the pockets of scabby casino owners.... instead I line my stomach with greasy food stuffs. It was quite funny that the frumpy chinese 'Manager' was parrolling the area we were sitting at. She knew our ploy, and told us to wait at the end of the queue after the regulars. She then stood behind the end serving tray when it was our turn to recieve free food. After recieving decent portions of rice, noodle, sushi and spring roll i then shuffled to the last stop on this magical (free) journey. It was pork. I thought to myself 'Awh i fuckin well want that!'. The bitch didn't offer me any. I lifted my plate, indicating i wanted some. She then scooped the tiniest morsel of pork, with a drop of sauce and plopped it onto my plate. I looked at her in a 'what the fuck is that for an amount of meat?' way, and she then said 'thats enough, see if you like'. What? Its definitely not enough and i tend to 'see if i like' something via eating lots of it. still, it was all pretty god damn tasty and we all left the casino with th satisfaction that we had not paid any money, although i was somehow still hungry so had some cornflakes as a night cap.
At the weekend i was back home in Braintree. I saw my friends which was great and then saw loads of people that i had forgotten about. Spoons and Barracudas are like looking through old class photographs from primary school but unlike photographs, you can smell the people.
Tonight i went to Ikea with Alex. I ended up buying what i believe to be a dishwasher cover. Its a big sheet of stainless steel wrapped around mdf. I bought it because it was £7.50 in the 'bargain corner' of the store and i am planning to spray paint a stencil onto it. I feel like a bit of a dick for wasting money, but then again Alex bought scented candles.
We then went to Maxim Casino. I didn't bet because i'm not a mug. (although i did put a £1 on a 7 fold at Coral earlier). Alex left with the same amount of money as what he came there with, which is actually a decent achievement. I guessed two numbers correctly in a row at the roulette table which freaked myself and everyone out.
Im going to drink lots of coffee now because i have some milk. Might watch Rat Race too. Have only ever seen it once. laughed at it.
hesp.
Lately I've eaten a lot. Just yesterday i went for free chinese at 'Mint Casino'. The buffet starts at midnight and i guess they think you'll spend more time and money there if youve eaten succulent chinese delicacies...but bollocks to that; i'm not lining the pockets of scabby casino owners.... instead I line my stomach with greasy food stuffs. It was quite funny that the frumpy chinese 'Manager' was parrolling the area we were sitting at. She knew our ploy, and told us to wait at the end of the queue after the regulars. She then stood behind the end serving tray when it was our turn to recieve free food. After recieving decent portions of rice, noodle, sushi and spring roll i then shuffled to the last stop on this magical (free) journey. It was pork. I thought to myself 'Awh i fuckin well want that!'. The bitch didn't offer me any. I lifted my plate, indicating i wanted some. She then scooped the tiniest morsel of pork, with a drop of sauce and plopped it onto my plate. I looked at her in a 'what the fuck is that for an amount of meat?' way, and she then said 'thats enough, see if you like'. What? Its definitely not enough and i tend to 'see if i like' something via eating lots of it. still, it was all pretty god damn tasty and we all left the casino with th satisfaction that we had not paid any money, although i was somehow still hungry so had some cornflakes as a night cap.
At the weekend i was back home in Braintree. I saw my friends which was great and then saw loads of people that i had forgotten about. Spoons and Barracudas are like looking through old class photographs from primary school but unlike photographs, you can smell the people.
Tonight i went to Ikea with Alex. I ended up buying what i believe to be a dishwasher cover. Its a big sheet of stainless steel wrapped around mdf. I bought it because it was £7.50 in the 'bargain corner' of the store and i am planning to spray paint a stencil onto it. I feel like a bit of a dick for wasting money, but then again Alex bought scented candles.
We then went to Maxim Casino. I didn't bet because i'm not a mug. (although i did put a £1 on a 7 fold at Coral earlier). Alex left with the same amount of money as what he came there with, which is actually a decent achievement. I guessed two numbers correctly in a row at the roulette table which freaked myself and everyone out.
Im going to drink lots of coffee now because i have some milk. Might watch Rat Race too. Have only ever seen it once. laughed at it.
hesp.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Yesterday i went to see Fightstar...I'm not the biggest Fightstar fan but occasionally delve into their music. I'd say a good analogy of where i stand with Fightstar is much like a cat that does a shit in the corner of your room; the cat knows what he is doing is wrong and is going to annoy people within his vicinity, yet he cant help it, he feels the urge and once he has done it he is relieved, but left feeling slightly guilty. Anyhoo... it was quite a good gig and i thoroughly enjoyed throwing my body around as if i was a bowling ball, knocking down scrawny, greasy haired pins. The bars were for some reason never busy, so Mclean and I indulged in a few yeasty beverages; 2 of which Mclean completely spilt - one straight onto his own groin and the other straight to the floor (somehow hitting it out of his own hand). Fuckin stupid. He was annoyed. I laughed and then got annoyed just imagining how annoying that must have been).
Got pretty ratty on the way home due to the train taking about 47687t56q384 Bremnars to get home. Once home i indulged myself via a pack of sliced roast chicken breast I had bought earlier in the day and had forgot to put in the fridge, therefore had to eat loads of it before it went putrid and shitty.
Bed.
The next morning i went to the toilet to rid myself of ordure, only to find that chocolate cake had been smeared onto the toilet seat and walls. It looked remarkably like poo but the smell was undeniably cakey. I was genuinely really annoyed as it was early morning and i just wanted to drop the kids off at the pool, yet the toilet seat was covered with imitation defecation. Later on at Uni i thought back to the childish scenario of smearing fake poo and found the whole incident hilarious!
Once again, thank you for reading this balsamic sack of piss...although i believe the accepted vernacular for these things are 'Blogs'.
Got pretty ratty on the way home due to the train taking about 47687t56q384 Bremnars to get home. Once home i indulged myself via a pack of sliced roast chicken breast I had bought earlier in the day and had forgot to put in the fridge, therefore had to eat loads of it before it went putrid and shitty.
Bed.
The next morning i went to the toilet to rid myself of ordure, only to find that chocolate cake had been smeared onto the toilet seat and walls. It looked remarkably like poo but the smell was undeniably cakey. I was genuinely really annoyed as it was early morning and i just wanted to drop the kids off at the pool, yet the toilet seat was covered with imitation defecation. Later on at Uni i thought back to the childish scenario of smearing fake poo and found the whole incident hilarious!
Once again, thank you for reading this balsamic sack of piss...although i believe the accepted vernacular for these things are 'Blogs'.
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