I'm starting this section of my blog with yet another thing that gets me ratty. Pritt stick. Fuckin' roles around everywhere. I've never used it without losing the lid at one point. To rectify this i would like the manufacturers of pritt-stick to do two things:

1. Make the outer casing square or triangular, so that it doesnt role around everywhere.
2. Stop being pricks.

I pay enough for this shit form of glue and all it does is piss me off. This poem i created a while ago sums up the average experience with pritt-stick.

Grile.

Where the fuck is the pritt stick,
Now I can never stick it,

It must have rolled away young child,
Its stickin abilitys are relatively mild,
PVA is the way forward young child
The man smiled.

Oh wait, I’ve found the pritt stick,
It was underneath the desk,
But where the fuck is the lid,
The gluey head is a dusty mess!

AW FOR FUCK SAKE,
THERES HARDLY ANY GLUE LEFT,
THE PLASTIC IS PRETRUDING, SCRAPING MY PAPER,
A FATE,
WORSE,
THAN DEATH.

Don't know why its called Grile...

As christmas approaches i feel the necessity to eat loads, like a gluttonous panther with the munchies. I'm taking advantage of wafer thin ham. Yes, it is pretty shit, but its still relatively expensive, and a rare commodity at uni so therefore i lap it up with a bit of bread and mayo etc.

This year, because im a stingey prick and my brother is quite good at cooking, we are cooking christmas dinner for the family as my mums present. This Allows my mum to get merry on a few glasses of wines without getting stressy and aggressive with aunt Bessie and her blasted yorkshire puddings!

I recently bought Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name as part of a scheme to make sure a shitty x factor song wouldn't get christmas number 1 again. I would love Killing In The Name to come on after the queens speech! It would be like like showing 2 girls one cup straight after a christening.

I may aswell mention that Ipswich are tearing up the championship and have gone 10 games unbeaten. 20th in the league now...get in! Play-offs 'ere we come! For years football has shat on me, but in a way i like being shat on, not in a 2 girls 1 cup way, but in a, 'yeh but atleast i aint a fuckin glory hunting dickhead that don't even know' way. I think to appreciate good football, you need to be deprived of it. You need to first appreciate shit football, the younger you start, the more you will buzz off a tiny amount of skill or standard one-two and therefore gain more enjoyment out of the game as a whole. Having said this, i find watching non-league footie quite painful sometimes because i genuinely feel i could do better if i wern't a lazy, unfit bastard. I get to the odd braintree game and don't mind have a quick watch of random sunday league teams if I'm passing by but avid fans of non-league tend to be a different breed of fan. Generally a bit inbred or retarded in some way and appreciate every moment of the shit football they watch. This, i find quite frightening. Imagine if they did go to Old Trafford or The Emirates... They'd probably get a stonking erection, likely to pop after 40 seconds of play, or after a correctly taken throw-in.

On the theme of erections, whilst criticising what would make X-Factor better, Myself and McLean decided that it would be utterly hilarious if Simon Cowell ran onto the stage - naked, with an erection - and proceeded in beating Leonna Lewis with a pork chop, and whilst running he was shitting himself, flinging poo in all manner of directions. Just imagine. Imagine the pure anger on his face. He's fucking angry... no one knows why?...and this is how he shows it. What is the significance of the erection? He's really angry yet he has an erection? He's shitting himself. That's well funny. I hope it happens. We can only hope.

Fankoo for reading. x